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Archive for April, 2015

Patience.

I feel significantly more patient with Charlie lately. I think this is a sign that I’m settling in to being a parent of two.

I’ve thought a lot about this. When it was just Hank, when Hank was a baby, it felt so hard. But now the thought of having just one — well, how easy is that? And partly that’s because I’m more experienced, but I think it has more to do with having adjusted to my life being less my own. When you have one kid, it’s this huge shock: Your life is not fully yours anymore. You can’t prepare for it, and it takes a long time to get used to it. But then, one day, you are used to it, and it’s not nearly as difficult to spend a significant amount of the time that you used to spend taking care of yourself taking care of someone else.

And then you have a second kid, and your life is even less yours. Even more of what little time you had left for yourself is now spent taking care of that second kid. And it’s hard again, so hard. It was almost harder the second time around, I think, because there was so little me time left at that point, and I didn’t want to give any more of it up. And we had come so far with Hank and landed in such a comfortable spot with him. He was sleeping well, he was fun to be around, he had independence. Charlie, in contrast, did not sleep, and he needed so much from/of us. I felt frustration and impatience with him that I do not remember having felt with Hank. Resentment, even. I more than once wondered: If I had the chance to do it over again, would I have a second child?

But I’m adjusting. I’m getting used to it. And Charlie’s getting older, which means he’s slightly less demanding.* But still pretty demanding. We’re into our third hour now of trying to get him to go down tonight (overtired? teething? who the heck knows?) and I’ve logged a good part of that rocking and nursing him in his chair, and there is a list of things I need to do–work, clean up for playgroup coming tomorrow morning, sleep–but I feel so patient.

And I’m so, so relieved.

*Also, it helps that he is so stinking adorable. That helps a lot.

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